So I got angry and frustrated today while at Roswell with some news my medical team had given me. Nothing drastic just a slight elevation in my counts and an infection brewing in my respiratory system.  I went to the bathroom and just started crying.  It was like a flood of emotions all hit me at once.  Then I did something I’ve done before and apparantly didn’t learn from, but I punched the wall in the bathroom.  I didn’t punch hard like I usually would, but with the chemo I’ve been on before and now, my bone density is messed up and my bones are very fragile.  So I hit just hard enough to break 3 bones and now I have to wear this stupid immobilizer thing that makes it really hard to type.  I think this time I learned my lesson

 

Hey everyone, sorry I haven’t updated in a while.  I’ve been very busy/sick the last week or so.  I started a new clinical trial on Thursday.  It’s an 8 week trial and it’s pretty much my last hope before a bone marrow transplant is my only option.  The trial consists of intramuscular and spinal shots, IV treatments, and daily pills.  It’s been pretty rough on my body.  The two worst side effects are the extreme fatigue and the chronic bone pain.  I was so tired and sick feeling on Sunday that I actually had to leave church early and went and fell asleep in the car.  After arriving home, I slept the rest of the day as well (except about 45 minutes for dinner and a little “family” chatting).  I’m back to work after a 3 week “vacation.”  I took the time off to recover from my last round of chemo but can’t afford to take any more time off so my job is working with me on a flexable schedule.  3 days, MWF, and if I can’t work any days they have extra coverage so it’s cool.  They are being really great working with me and I’m so appreciative for that.  My manager said, as long as I want to work I’m welcome to, if not, take all the time I need.  But that’s all I have for the night.  Will write more as things progress.  Continued prayers are appreciated and thank you to everyone who has sent Get Well cards, they are posted on my dresser drawers as inspiration when I get up everyday

Tomorrow is the last day of the semester!  Hello summer vacation!  When I started this blog back in January my intention was to stop using it at the end of the semester since it technically was a school project (which I got full extra credit for by the way).  I already have a MySpace (www.myspace.com/cadetberas) and keeping two pages updated is difficult, however, I never realized how many people would rely on my blog to get information on me that I otherwise don’t normally tell people.  So I’ve decided to keep my blog and to update it regularly with random info that’s going on and also anything important that goes on as far as my cancer treatment as well.  Enjoy! And thanks for visiting

I meant to post this yesterday but was too busy icing my nose :)  Played a game of pick-up basketball at church last night.  Had a great time with 5 other ladies including my bff Stephanie.  Got bit first play of the night; on accident of course.  Then we played a game called Knock-Out.  I never played before so I watched everyone else play a few times and then they got me to try it.  Yeah, got hit in the face with the ball, nose started bleeding.  This is why I play hockey lol, more equipment LoL.  After that we played a little 3 on 3 and I made a few shots and good passes and managed to stay out of injury territory.  Of course next month when the ladies meet up I will play again.  It’s nice to get away from life for a while and just “be normal.”  Can’t wait ’till our next game, but I’ll still always be a hockey girl

Jeff and I went to the Military Ball this past Friday at Salvatore’s.  We had a great time. It was nice to step outside of reality for a few hours and just have a good time.  Even danced a little! 

 

Ever hear the saying “God only gives you what you can handle?”  I’m starting to think he is overestimating my strength.  I had my mediport put in last Monday.  I had it taken out today.  Not only was it already infected (through no fault of my own, just my body rejecting it) it was also defective.  I went to have chemo and it backed up, so the nurses flushed it with heparin and saline thinking maybe it was just a clot, um, no, still didn’t work.  So they are going to run tests on it now that it is out and see if it was a manufacturer issue or what happened.  Ya, so I’m back on IV pokes until further notice

Now in order to fix the infection over taking the small section of my chest where the port was located, I had to have the port removed and then they put a small “spongy gauze” that was soaked in antibiotic solution into the incision spot and left it there.  Open.  I’m now walking around with an open, semi draining wound on my chest, it’s great let me tell you.  They covered the spongy thing with a rolled up gauze ball and then some waterproof sealant and stuff but it’s still not stitched or anything and I pretty much can’t wait until that gets fixed on Tuesday. 

Tomorrow is a Methotrexate day.  Mega hooah (sarcastically).  Night everyone, gonna go try and find a comfortable way to sleep with this ball on my chest.  Did I mention I’m not allowed to sleep on my stomach, only sitting up or on my back.  Guess how I prefer to sleep…ya, stomach, I know…

Went to my first Relay for Life yesterday at the University at Buffalo.  Walked proudly in the survivor lap with 3 ladies who survived breast cancer.  Stephanie walked arm and arm with me; my big supporter :)  It was great to see all those young people rallying and having a good time for such a good cause.  Stephanie and I decided we want to form a team next year and do the whole night relay experience.  Can’t wait!

 

Hey everyone!  More changes since my last update posting.  Biggest news is that Jeffrey and I have talked and worked out our differences and are once again a happy couple.  Not engaged again (yet), but a happy couple working things out and learning communication is key to all!  God bless the broken road that led me to him, and back again. 

The leukemia is active again.  On a new chemo regimen.  Keeping me sick and ick but trying not to let it keep me down.  I sleep alot more than I did on other chemo cocktails (which if you ask Jeff is hard to do LoL).  But continuing on with a reduced work schedule and still doing classes.

My hearts doing better.  No chest pain (except for a little from the chemo).  Having some minor surgical procedures done this week.  Having my port-a-cath put back in tomorrow and a bone marrow tap.  I’ll also have a spinal tap and 3 of my teeth pulled as well.  Can’t wait lol

Doing my first Relay for Life this weekend and I’m pretty excited.  I will be walking in the Survivor’s Lap this year (for those that have survived or are currently undergoing treatment).  It’s at 7:00 at the University at Buffalo’s Alumni Arena.  I was invited to walk last year in the relay, but my spirits weren’t that great last year.  I was angry and frustrated and didn’t want to do anything cancer related.  I still get angry and frustrated at times, but I realize what I’m going through now, and what millions of others are going through, and I’m looking at is as an opportunity to meet others going through similar situations and those that have survived similar situations.  I can’t wait for this wonderful opportunity!

Got the phone call the other day I’ve been dreading.  My oncologist called and said my blood work showed some abnormalities and off counts and I needed to come in for more testing.  I knew what he was trying to tell me; the leukemia is back.  Sad to say, the news is not really easier to hear the third time around.  I wasn’t in total remission, only induction remission this time so it was a slightly easier let down this time though. 

I’ve already started a new induction cocktail.  DVP + M this time around.  Daunorubicin, Vincristine, Prednisone, and Methotrexate.  I go to Roswell Park once a week for the Daunorubicin and Vincristine IV’s and take the Prednisone and Methotrexate at home.  I’m also continuing regular plasma, platelets, and red cell transfusions to keep my energy levels up. 

I made a few new little friends this past week during chemo.  I usually try to sneak down to the peds unit for chemo.  I feel more comfortable down there.  23 is a hard age to get cancer at.  Everyone in the chemo room with you is like twice your age, not much to talk about, and generally they don’t want to talk to you.  So I sneak down (don’t worry, I don’t really sneak down there, I’m usually followed by a nurse or two) to the peds end and hang out there with some of the teenagers and younger kids.  You can learn so much from them!  My new little friend is named Kyle and he’s from Toronto.  His mom brings him to Rowsell once a week for outpatient chemo.  Kyle had a bone marrow transplant a little over a year ago and relapsed a few months ago.  His mom brings him all the way to Roswell because she said it’s the best cancer hospital she’s ever taken him too and he loves it here.  I agree.  Roswell rocks! 

Well I must be getting off to class now, will write more later, I have so much to say!